Wednesday, September 15, 2010

security blanket, please?

they play a pretty big role in all our lives.
i hate admitting i'm an insecure person, it's true that i am a very insecure person.
whenever i feel down, a tiny voice inside my head constantly criticizes me, telling me i'm not good enough and that i will never make it far in life.

i've asked myself "what am i good at, what are my strengths" a million and one times and i can never come up with an answer.
i'm surrounded by brilliant people who have talents that i am envious of.
michelle has arts, kate and rachel have sports, jo lynn is smart and has music, megan has dance and brains, alia has graphics, japafreakingnese and she's also one of the smartest people i know.
not to mention the rest of the people i know who are extremely talented and gifted.
i love them but sometimes when i stand next to them or even when i talk to them, i feel so unaccomplished, so unworthy.

being a girl, i am obviously insecure about how i look.
my hair, my face, my clothes, my body.
i see an absolutely gorgeous girl somewhere and i cringe internally.
i binge eat because i'm an emotional eater and then i beat myself up, telling myself that i'm such a pig.
i see a skinny girl walking on the street and instantly my mind goes "why can't i look like that? why are my thighs so big? why are my arms so flabby?" and so on.
but i don't have enough discipline to make myself stop eating so much (i love food too much) or to go on a proper diet.

a few months back, i found youtube videos of my old friends from dance class at competitions/performances.
and geez, they're friggin good.
then i felt regret for stopping lessons. and after that, i felt guilt for not trying hard enough in anything i do. i still feel all of that.
this just eats away until you just feel like crawling into a hole and hiding for the rest of your life.

people have told me to focus on spm because then i can prove my worth.
but i don't even have enough discipline to sit down for hours to cram information into my head without getting distracted.
being able to do that would be a miracle.

all this reminds me of a quote from abundance of katherines by john green (awesome author, go read his books).
"what is the point of being alive if you don't at least try to do something remarkable?"
i want to matter, to be able to leave behind something besides being known as the girl who did well for spm (which will hopefully happen because if it doesn't, there wouldn't be anything relatively remarkable about me to say).

sometimes these insecurities just take over my whole brain and then i feel like killing myself. (well, not literally lol)
sometimes i just wanna be something, to feel like i belong. ):